When strong is wrong: why men need men
We can have an idea that, for a man, being strong means being able to cope – on our own. To be able to handle anything and everything that comes our way – and if we can’t, we’re weak and a failure. And so we never become vulnerable before others, we never admit our sin, we never seek help, we’re never truly real with anyone – we always wear a mask. And so the trouble goes on and gets deeper.
Not only is that perspective full of problems, it is also profoundly unbiblical. Paul is often seen as a loner but he had close friendships with a number of men. David and Jonathan exemplify biblical friendship (1 Samuel 20; 2 Samuel 1:26) and it may not be coincidental that David’s failures occur after the death of Jonathan (did he ever have a close friendship after Jonathan was killed?).
But perhaps the supreme example is our Lord Jesus Christ. Not only is he in the closest possible relationships in the Trinity but in his humanity he forged deep friendships with his disciples, 3 of them being particularly close. He expressed a need of their friendship, he was openly vulnerable before them and was open to being hurt by them (being betrayed by one he considered a friend).
Maybe there are reasons we draw back from deep friendships. It’s possible we have been hurt by those we thought our friends. Or we may fear our openness will be abused and our failures serve only to isolate us. Perhaps we struggle to truly acknowledge our sins before God and, hence, feel far too defensive to be open with other men.
Those who are married might say ‘But my wife is my friend...’.If she is, that’s a real blessing. But your role as her husband – as her protector – will mean there are times when you cannot share with her your vulnerability and weakness, for her own sake. And in those times, you’ll need someone else to stand alongside you.
But it isn’t just that we need friends because we’re needy. We need friends as examples and to be examples before. In friendships we not only receive but we give, we serve our brothers. It is a precious opportunity to honour our Lord Jesus by becoming like him in friendships.
Jonathan’s love for David was “more wonderful than the love of women”. That isn’t suggesting anything sinister in their relationship; it is simply highlighting the great blessing that real friendship as brothers can bring to us.
Questions for group discussion
§ What does a good friendship look and feel like?
§ What are some of the lessons we can learn from the friendship between David and Jonathan?
§ What stops us forming deep friendships? Why is it hard to do so?
§ How can we strengthen our sense of acceptance by God, so that we might feel more secure in discussing our frailties with others?
§ How can we work on developing true, lasting friendships with other men in the church?
Questions for personal reflection
§ Do I have real friendships with other Christian men?
§ Am I fearful of deep friendship? If so, why is that?
§ Have I been failed by a friend and deeply hurt by it? What is my response to that and how can the damage be repaired?
§ What practical steps can I take to develop close friendships?
§ Would it be helpful to talk over these matters with someone I trust?
